Wow

I told my husband today that if he doesn’t start trying to change that I probably will leave him.

His response. “that really makes me want to try harder.” (sarcastic)

I told him that I need him to step up and be part of the team that is our family. I need him to do more house work (I work 40 hours a week he stays home).

We discussed laundry. That he would do one load a day and after work we would fold it and put it away together. A week later he has not done one load and he claims we only talked about it 2 days ago. He only does dishes when he feels like it. He never cooks dinner. (if he feels dinner is his responsibility he will order pizza).

He won’t go to the counselor because “we can’t afford it”. But if we needed it our counselor would take our case at no cost, because he can.

I told him what I needed from him and then he told me he’d make a list of what he needed from me too. Ha I said “No! I’ve waited on you hand and foot since we got married. You have been cheating on me and lying for 3 years, you are the one right now that needs to change and even so I am working on my s*** I AM going to therapy I am trying to work on things.” Since he always comes back to me losing weight i told him “My weight had nothing to do with you cheating on me, I could have been attractive and you still would have cheated. (he started cheating right after DS was born premie)” He swears if he was still attracted to me he would not have cheated. Bull Poop!!!

If his love and loyalty are conditional to whether I lose 40 lbs then I don’t want it. I know being attractive can make a difference in one’s sex life…but what makes a much bigger difference is sleeping with other women or watching porn, or masturbating instead of being with your wife!

Ladies, I think I have to leave him. He is disrespectful and finds enjoyment in humiliating people. He is manipulative but won’t own it. With his words he turns this all around and implies that if I were different it wouldn’t have been this way and then back tracks and says that he knows it’s not all my fault. I can’t do this. I love him so much I have loved him unconditionally. I didn’t tell him he has to change right now…I told him he needs to start taking the steps toward change and he is refusing. I think in some twisted way he wants me to leave him just to prove that I will reject him.

It’s like he just doesn’t get it. If he doesn’t get it I can’t do this.

 

Dated August 4th

Add a comment September 7, 2011

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder what God thinks about all of this? Why he lets things happen or whether he cares?

I think about all those things. I wonder what way he will find to help, sometimes I wonder if he’s paying attention or if he’s even there. Having grown up in a Christian family, I think about God a lot. However, I find that the times when I doubt him most are the times when I’m most complacent about life.

Right now the fact is that my life is HARD. I found out just over 2 months ago that my husband has cheated on me multiple times over the last 3 years. He’s been with 6 or more women and obviously been lying to me for the majority of our 5 year marriage if not the whole time.

I always thought before that if something like this happened to me I’d leave him in a heartbeat. That infidelity was something I wouldn’t be able to forgive. I’m still not sure how long it will take or how hard it will be before I can completely forgive. And I’m still not sure that our Marriage will survive. However, I am learning to trust God. He is meeting me in my darkest hour. We are currently separated, on relatively good terms and are both actively working on the personal issues that brought us to this point. But all those details are really not the point of the post.

What I really want to say is through all this God is pursuing me. Today I know that! He is with me. Crying and still hurt emotionally beyond anything I’ve ever felt before but today I could see the glimpse of a positive future that can come from all of this.

I am reminded of the gifts that God gave me, gifts that I have neglected. I am reminded of the passions I’ve had for my life since I was  a child. While I can’t see the path clearly I know that the Lord truly does have “plans for me, plans for hope and a future”.

The message at Church (and I’m by no means a regular at this point) really spoke to me. It was as if the Father was looking at me saying “I made the sun shine just for you today, you are so precious to me.”

Add a comment September 4, 2011

Flowers Past

Just wanted to share pictures of some of my flowers from last summer.

Add a comment August 11, 2011
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Gladiolus Surprise

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So I work for a non-profit and this year local stores donated flowers and vegetables. However, we did not have enough dirt to plant them all so I was sent home with several different types of plants. One, I didn’t recognize at all but knew it was most likely a flower. I transplanted the bulb near my house and a couple of weeks ago I was surprised by these beautiful blooms.

Add a comment August 11, 2011
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Complete Upheaval

Due to life circumstances the over all mood of this blog is changing. I know I don’t have many followers and that is OK with me. My life is in flux things are changing and I’m learning some very valuable things about life and about myself. For those of you out there who wonder if you are the only one with problems I want you to know that you are not alone. Even those who are sometimes great at hiding their problems do still have them. Lord knows it can be hard to admit my faults even to myself sometimes, or as often happens in my life, admitting the faults of those I love. And asking for help…wow…even harder. It is so difficult for me to humble myself and say “I can’t do this on my own!” or “I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!”

We all have different loads of crap we have to deal with in our lives and even though I am not ready to share it with the world quite yet…I definitely have my own pile to sift through.

Add a comment August 3, 2011

Who Knew…

…my life could get more chaotic than it already was? Seriously. So we just moved…well we are not done yet. We still have loads of cleaning and sorting to do at both places. But my family and my plants are at the new place. Jak Jak LOVES it. It’s bright and sunny no more dingy purple/gray walls and no more peep hole windows. I Might actually be able to keep a house plant alive now. If a house plant can’t live in those conditions we shouldn’t have to either!!!!

He (3 year old Jak Jak) runs and gallops up and down the hall from his room to the living room like our new house is the best ever (let me tell you it’s no palace). I can’t help but be happy about the move though…Who doesn’t want a fenced yard and garage to play in? My boys are super happy about both. On top of that we get to keep both of our dogs. Hooray!!!!

Of course there are still all the “normal” life stresses, relationship stresses, parent stresses but I have to say all in all things are looking up.

Add a comment June 23, 2011

Sleep and Toilet Training…. HA!

JAK JAK SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! If you are a parent you know how refreshing this can be. For the last week or so our munchkin has decided that he’d rather sleep in our bed, but he’s sneaky about it. He falls asleep great in his own bed…but come 1am all of a sudden I have an extra body in my bed. It wouldn’t bother me so much if it was daddy he insisted on using for a pillow, and honestly I do love when he “nuggles” me, I just can’t sleep when he does. So two nights ago I took a stand and didn’t let him even get snuggled into my bed. I took him straight back to his…needless to say with all the screaming we didn’t get much sleep…but I think that maybe our persistence will pay off, and eventually both hubby and I will get into a great habit of sleeping through the night too.

On another note…

When I was blessed with a baby boy I was prepared for rough and tough down and dirty parenting. I knew he’d love playing in the dirt, throwing rocks, playing swords and using all his toys as weapons. I was ready for a streaker…what kid wants to wear clothes and who wants to wear a stupid diaper…right? Well, most of that describes my boy perfectly… But, like all kids, mine stands out, he doesn’t mind being naked but much prefers wearing clothes, and his diaper has become a security blanket. He’s happy as long as his diaper is on. So begins our first potty learning struggle, getting comfortable NOT wearing a diaper.

I was stunned last night when I realized he didn’t have a diaper on under his shorts. I had been home for about an hour and hubby had left to run errands. I saw a diaper on the floor and assumed that it was left over after an earlier diaper change. Jak Jak and I went outside to play. A while later I picked him up and realized to my amazement that he’d been playing happily for over an hour with no diaper on. After discussing with hubby we concluded that Jak Jak must have decided his diaper needed changing and took it off himself, and judging by how crooked his shorts were he put his shorts back on by himself as well. This was a first for our little guy. I think that just maybe we have made progress on our first step to potty learning. Crossing my fingers, at least if he can get comfy with out a diaper he can pee on the lawn right?

Add a comment May 19, 2011

Lilies and Irises

Yes, my hardy perennials are poking up above the dirt. I’m so excited for them to grow and bloom. I planted more colors this year so hopefully the new ones will bloom too. Regardless, I love the beautiful orange lilies that I know are coming. The trees are budding and green is starting to take over, it finally feels like spring. I can’t wait to get all my plants outside!

Add a comment May 19, 2011

My plants

For those of you who want to know, I have planted a variety of seeds. Currently doing best inside are the Dahlias, pumpkins, butternut squash, nasturtiums, zucchini and one of my tomatoes. I have also planted basil, dill, chives, green onions, broccoli, lettuce, watermelon, delphiniums, coleus, columbines and lavender. Yet to plant are carrots, marigolds, and potatoes. Outside my perennials are sprouting and I will also plant wildflowers.

Add a comment May 15, 2011

My Basement Garden

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My basement windows are not failing too badly. I’m excitedly watching my sprouts emerge.

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Add a comment May 15, 2011

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